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Entry: September 1, 2014

Unpleasant day, for I was to meet this person whom I called “father”. Scum, I don’t just hate him, I despise such prick being my dad. He is someone that striped away my confidence to do anything. A man who would do anything just to protect his own pride; which is not his family, but his reputation around his peers and co-workers. A two-faced bastard who pretend to be a caring family man in front of his people, but would shame his own children in public without any hesitation. Arrogant and short-tempered, I worked hard not to be praised but to try best not to get on his nerve. To him as a child, I was nothing but a liability. He was the main provider of family income back then, and I was served like a punching-bag; that I was kept well fed so that he could release his frustration at work by inflicting physical pain on me. Many times I cried for help, yet everyone in the household would just sit there and watch me being beaten senseless on the ground, no one dares defy him. Things only got worse when America happened. I recall no good experience with him ever, besides his constant threats like pushing me off buildings, or the time where his almost chocked me to death at the age of 10. I’ve always did my best to do and follow as he says so I don’t get punish; until the day he beat my mom making me charging at him with a meat cleaver.  Throughout my years in America, being bullied by students in school for I was a foreigner was still much better than having the same thing happening at home only ten times worse. Things only got better when he left for good during my junior year in highschool.

I am always jealous of the relationship between my friends and their dad; the loving and respectful fatherly figure, I can and will never be able to relate nor imagine. Acting like a fool around my friends, I am not trying to prove that I am funny or anything, I only want people to notice; I want everyone around me to acknowledge my existence even for just a short moment. Having fun, chasing your dreams, falling in love, I want all those as much as everybody does. Yet why do I get cold looks from everybody; still haunted by my father’s shadows; that my existence is never significant enough comparing to all my peers? I too hate being lonely. I can only dive into the cyber space and rant like a bitch; but words alone can’t explain how much I hated that man.

My father as I saw today is old and weak. Yet till this very day, I can’t look him straight in the eyes. I got irritated when my little sister chat with him all happily and nice, but I still feel the necessity to be a good little soldier and obey. Then I saw tears flowing from his eyes, the rare humane side of him, though I completely felt nothing. Guess with him, my emotions are expendable. He is 20 years too late. I just want him gone, away from my life, forever.






holy shit

look at this

I don’t even know where to begin.

Wow, this car really blows
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